On Ads In Bills:
Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements in with
your bills now? Like bills aren't distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk mail in
there with them. I get back at them. I put garbage in with my check when I mail it in.
Coffee grinds, banana peels... I write, "Could you throw this away for me? Thank
You." 
On Fabric Softener:
My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff
was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me (sniff) 'Married' (walk off). That's how
they mark their territory. You can take off the ring, but it's hard to get that April
fresh scent out of your clothes.
On Cripes:
My wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very
wholesome. They use words like 'Cripes'. 'For Cripe's sake.' Who would that be, Jesus
Cripe's? The son of 'Gosh' of the church of 'Holy Moly'? I'm not making fun of it. You
think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?
On Morning Differences:
Men and women are different in the morning. The men wake up
aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women
are thinking, 'How can he want me the way I look in the morning?' It's because we can't
see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.
On Pregnancy:
It's weird when pregnant women feel the baby kicking. They
say, 'Oh my God. He's kicking Do you wanna feel it?' I always feel awkward reaching over
there. Come on! It's weird to ask someone to feel your stomach. I don't do that when I
have gas. "Oh my God...give me your hand...It won't be long now..."
On Grandma:
My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says,
'Sexy Senior Citizen.' You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out
entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for
your birthday.
On Prisons:
Did you know that it costs forty-thousand dollars a year to
house each prisoner? Jeez,for forty-thousand bucks a piece I'll take a few prisoners into
my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows. I don't think we
should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours
a day on a treadmill and generate electricity. And if they don't want to run, they can
rest in the chair that's hooked up to the generator.
On Award Shows:
Can you believe how many award shows they have now? They have
awards for commercials. The Cleo Awards, a whole show full of commercials. I taped it and
then I fast-forwarded through the whole thing.
On Phone-In-Polls:
You know those shows where people call in and vote on
different issues? Did you ever notice there's always like 18% that say "I don't
know." It costs 90 cents to call up and vote...They're voting "I don't
know." "Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone. (Into Phone)
I DON'T KNOW!" (Hangs up looking proud.) "Sometimes you have to stand up for
what you believe you're not sure about." This guy probably calls up phone sex girls
for $2.95 to say "I'm not in the mood."
On Answering Machines:
Did you ever hear one of these corny, positive messages on
someone's answering machine? "Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now.
I hope you are too. The thought for the day is 'Share the love.' Beep." "Uh,
yeah...this is the VD clinic calling.... Speaking of being positive, your test is back.
Stop sharing the love."
by Andy Rooney |
