| A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert
quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real life
Dilbert-type managers. Here are the finalists: 1. "As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks" (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp in Redmond, WA.)
2. "What I need is a list of specific unknown problems
we will encounter."
3. "E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or
data. It should be used only for company business."
4. "This project is so important, we can't let things
that are more
5. "Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the
schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it
for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell
them."
6. "My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page
proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she
couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected."
7. "Quote from the Boss: 'Teamwork is a lot of people
doing what I say.'"
8. "My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled
for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the
busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said,
'That would be better for me.'"
9. "We know that communication is a problem, but the
company is not going to discuss it with the employees."
10. "We recently received a memo from senior management
saying: "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject
mentioned above."
11. "One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report
to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon
enough. He said 'If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for
it!'"
12. "As director of communications, I was asked to
prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the
memo one of the sentences I mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of
the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was
called into the HR director's office, and told that the executive vice president wanted me
out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for
"perverts" working in her company. Finally, he showed me her copy of the memo,
with her demand that I be fired - and the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The
HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary and
made a copy of the definition to send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would take
care of it. Two days later, a memo to the entire staff came out directing us that no words
which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A
month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation memo
by pasting words together from the Sunday paper." |
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