Texas Is For Dummies

In Texas, we're proud to have the best politicians that money can buy. For your delight and edification, here are some fine quips and quotes from some of our most notable politicians. The following are actual quotes from (actual) Texas politicians:

1. "It just makes good sense to put all your eggs in one basket."
Texas Rep. Joe Salem speaking on an amendment requiring all revenues to go into the state treasury.

2. "Lemme give ya' a hypothetic." Texas Rep. Renal Rosson.

3. "Ain't nothin' in the middle of the road but yellow stripes and dead armadillos." Texas Agriculture Commissioner Jim Hightower.

4. "And now, will y'all stand and be recognized?" Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis to a group of handicapped people in wheelchairs.

5. "Dallas salutes a person who can buy a piece of art, but not a person who can create one." C. Greene.

6. "No thanks, once was enough." Texas Governor Bill Clements, asked if he had been born again.

7. "Oh good. Now he'll be bi-ignorant." Texas Agriculture Commissioner Jim Hightower when told that Texas Governor Bill Clements had been studying Spanish.

8. "I'd just make a little bit of money, I wouldn't make a whole lot."  Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis defending himself against the charge that he would personally profit from a bill he had introduced.

9. "Well, there never was a Bible in the room." Texas Governor Bill Clements, asked about repeatedly lying about the SMU football scandal.

10. "I am filled with humidity." Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis.

11. "If ignorance ever goes to $40 a barrel, I want drillin' rights on that man's head." Texas Agriculture Commissioner Jim Hightower discussing then-President George Bush's policies.

12. "If it's dangerous to talk to yourself, it's probably even dicier to listen" Texas Agriculture Commissioner Jim Hightower.

13. "I move we recess to go outside and throw up." Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis during a budget hearing.

14. "This is a real competitive business." A gas station owner, when asked to explain the rapid rise in gasoline prices when Kuwait was invaded.

15. "...idiots, imbeciles, aliens, the insane and women..." Law standing in Texas until 1918 regulating who could not vote.

16. "It's the sediment of the House that we adjourn." Texas House Speaker Wayne Clayton.

17. "Let's do this in one foul sweep." Texas House Speaker Wayne Clayton.

18. "This is unparalyzed in the state's history." Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis.

19. "I want to thank each and every one of you for having extinguished yourselves this session." Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis.

20. "We'll run it up the flagpole and see who salutes that booger." Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis.

21. "There's a lot of uncertainty that's not clear in my mind." Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis.

22. "I can explain it for you, but I can't understand it for you." Anon.

23. "There are still places where people think that the function of the media is to provide information." Don Rottenberg.

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