| NOTICE TO NORTHERNERS MOVING
SOUTH The following is a
pre-approved posting whose purpose is to offer insight and advice to Northerners moving
South.
Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be
instructed on how to use it shortly. Seriously.
Just because you can drive on snow and ice
does not mean Southerners can. Please stay home the two days of the year it snows. Your
life depends on it.
If you do run your car into a ditch, don't
panic. Four men in the cab of a four-wheel pick-up with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain
will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what
they live for.
You can ask Southerners for directions, but
unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off
trying to find it yourself.
Remember: Y'all is singular. All y'all is
plural. All y'all's is plural possessive.
Get used to hearing, "You ain't from
around here, are you?" Well, 'cause you ain't from here! We can tell!
Don't be worried that you don't understand
anyone. They don't understand you, either.
The first Southern expression to creep into a
transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big ol", as in 'big ol
truck' or 'big ol boy'.
As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph
in a 55-mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember: ALL Southern folks learned
to drive on a John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for that vehicle.
If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey,
y'all, watch this!" Stay out
of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say, or worse still, that you
will ever hear.
Most Southerners do not use turn signals;
they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a Southern
license plate, you may rest assured that it was already turned on when the car was
purchased.
If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it
ain't worth cooking, let alone eating. Country ham, Country Fried Steak, Collard Greens...
The wardrobe you always brought out in
September can wait until
December. The clothes you brought for December, your neighbors will be wearing in
September. "Dang it, it sure is cold out, y'all!"
If there is the prediction of the slightest
chance of even the most
minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It
does not matter if you need anything from the store. It is just something you're supposed
to do. Everyone will be there buying milk and bread. Nothing else, just milk and bread,
preferably white as in Sunbeam.
Satellite dishes are very popular in the
South. When you purchase one, it is positioned directly in front of the house. This is
logical, bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the house, and should,
therefore, be prominently displayed. Dishes are required, after all, to get maximum access
to stock car racing and fishing shows.
Be advised that in the South, "He needed
killin'!", is a valid defense. Especially when directed at Yankees, all y'all!
Ack!
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