Never walk down the hall without a document
in your hands. People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees
heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're
heading for the cafeteria. People with a newspaper in their hand look like they're heading
for the toilet. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus
generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.
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Use computers to look busy. Any time you use
a computer, it looks like "work" to the casual observer. You can send and
receive personal e-mail, calculate your finances and generally have a blast without doing
anything remotely related to work. These aren't exactly the societal benefits that the
proponents of the computer revolution would like to talk about but they're not bad either.
When you get caught by your boss and you *will* get caught - your best defense is to claim
you're teaching yourself to use new software, thus saving valuable training dollars.
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Messy desk. Top management can get away with
a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like you're not working hard enough. Build huge
piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year's work looks the same
as today's work; it's volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is
coming to your cubicle, bury the document you'll need halfway down in an existing stack
and rummage for it when he/she arrives.
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Voice Mail. Never answer your phone if you
have voice mail. People don't call you just because they want to give you something for
nothing - they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That's no way to live.
Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice mail message for you
and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour when you know they're not
there - it looks like you're hardworking and conscientious even though you're being a
devious weasel. If you diligently employ the method of screening incoming calls and then
returning calls when nobody is there, this will greatly increase the odds that the caller
will give up or look for a solution that doesn't involve you. The sweetest voice mail
message you can ever hear is: "Ignore my last message. I took care of it". If
your voice mailbox has a limit on the number of messages it can hold, make sure you reach
that limit frequently. One way to do that is to never erase any incoming messages. If that
takes too long, send yourself a few messages. Your callers will hear a recorded message
that says, "Sorry, this mailbox is full" - a sure sign that you are a
hardworking employee in high demand.
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Looking Impatient and Annoyed. According to
George Costanza, one should also always try to look impatient and annoyed to give your
bosses the impression that you are always busy.
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Appear to Work Late. Always leave the office
late, especially when the boss is still around. You could read magazines and storybooks
that you always wanted to read but have no time until late before leaving. Make sure you
walk past the boss' room on your way out. Send important emails at unearthly hours (e.g.
9:35pm, 7:05am, etc...) and during public holidays.
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Creative Sighing for Effect. Sigh loudly when
there are many people around, giving the impression that you are very hard pressed.
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Stacking Strategy. It is not enough to pile
lots of documents on the table. Put lots of books on the floor etc. . . .Can always borrow
from library. Thick computer manuals are the best.
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Build Vocabulary. Read up on some computer
magazines and pick out all the jargon and new products. Use it freely when in conversation
with bosses. Remember: They don't have to understand what you say, but you sure sound
impressive.
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MOST IMPORTANTLY: DON'T forward this to your
boss by mistake!!!
