1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?

 

 

What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e., tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.

Question # 1:

What are you thinking about?

The proper answer to this, of course, is:

"I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you."

This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:

A. Football.
B. Golf.
C. How fat you are.
D. How much prettier she is than you.
E. How I would spend the insurance money if
     you died.

(Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!")

Question # 2:

Do you love me?

The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear." Inappropriate responses include:

A. I suppose so.
B. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
C. That depends on what you mean by love.
D. Does it matter?
E. Who, me?

Question # 3:

Do I look fat?

The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Among the incorrect answers are:

A. Compared to what?
B. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly
     thin.
C. A little extra weight looks good on you.
D. I've seen fatter.
E. Could you repeat the question? I was just
     thinking about how I would spend the insurance
     money if you died.

Question # 4:

Do you think she's prettier than me?

Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Incorrect responses include:

A. Yes, but you have a better personality
B. Not prettier, but definitely thinner
C. Not as pretty as you when you were her age
D. Define pretty
E. Could you repeat the question? I was just
    thinking about how I would spend the insurance
    money if you died.

Question# 5:

What would you do if I died?

A definite no-win question. (The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Corvette.") No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:

Woman: Would you get married again?
Man: Definitely not!
W: Why not, don't you like being married?
M: Of course I do.
W: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
M: Okay, I'd get married again.
W: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
M: Yes, I would.

W: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
M: Where else would we sleep?
W: Would you put away my pictures, and replace
      them with pictures of her?
M: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
W: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
M: Of course not, Dear. She's left-handed.

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