There would be a "Rehearsal Kegger"
rather than a "Rehearsal Dinner."
Bridesmaids would wear matching blue jean
cut-offs and halter tops.
They would have NO tan lines.
Tuxes would have team logos on the back and
the Nike shoes would have matching team colors.
June weddings would be scheduled around
basketball play-offs.
Vows would mention cooking and sex
specifically, but omit that "forsaking all others" part.
The couple would leave the ceremony in a
souped up '73 Charger or some other Mopar with racing tires and flame designs on the side
of the car. Better yet, a Harley!
Idiots who tried to dance with the bride
(unless they were really old) would get punched in the head.
Big, slobbery dogs would be eligible for the
role of "Best Man."
There would be "Tailgate
Receptions."
Outdoor weddings would be held during
sporting events at half-time or between innings.
Ceremonies would be short and honeymoons
would be long.
Ceremonies and honeymoons would be
inexpensive compared to the cost of the bachelor party. Those strippers and liquor sure do
add up.
Men wouldn't ask, "Well, what do you
think, dear? The burgundy or the wine colored napkins?" They'd just grab extras from
their local pub or tavern.
Favors would be matchbooks and cigars. Better
yet, free drink passes at the local lounge.
The bride's dress would show cleavage, her
navel, and be form-fitted to her butt.
Instead of a sit-down dinner or a buffet,
there would be a hog roast or buckets of chicken, pizza and plenty of bar-b-que.
No one would bother with that "Veil
Routine." But they would insist that the garter be as high up on her leg as it could
go.
The bridal bouquet would be recycled from a
previous funeral or something.
Invitations would read as follows:
Tom (Dick or Harry) is getting the ol' ball and chain... He's getting married. He
either: A) knocked her up, B) couldn't get a different roommate, or C) caved in to her
ultimatum. Please meet the woman who will cook and clean for him For the rest of his life
at Texas Stadium On the 50 Yard Line At Half-time during Sunday's Game. Please join us at
The Clubhouse after the game For Beer, Nachos and Pizza. Oh yeah... B.Y.O.B
