NICKNAMES:
If Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle go out for
lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle.
But if Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky,
they will affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and
Useless.
EATING OUT:
And when the check comes, Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack will
each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything
smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their check, out come the pocket
calculators.
BATHROOMS:
A man has six items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush,
shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Motel 6.
The average number of items in the typical woman's
bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
GROCERIES:
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes
out to the store and buys these things. (Though shopping rules change when shopping for
shoes, clothes, just about anything but groceries.)
A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are
half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good.
By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the
Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the
10-items-or-less lane.
SHOES:
When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi
wool suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag
from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later,
she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk.
A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day, every
day, 365 days a year...unless he goes golfing.
CATS:
Women love cats. A lot.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking,
men kick cats.
OFFSPRING:
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She
knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and
favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in
the house. "Suzy? Are we out of beer again?" "I don't know, Daddy. I'm
watching Barney!"
DRESSING UP:
A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the
plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail, clean the toilet,
mow the lawn...
A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals. And even
then, only if forced. "Aw, honey, can't I just wear jeans? They aren't faded too much
yet..."
LAUNDRY:
Women do laundry every couple of days.
A man will wear every article of clothing he owns,
including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his
laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out,
rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to
meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old
episodes of "Love, American Style."
WEDDINGS:
When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about
"the ceremony."
Men talk about "the bachelor party", that is,
if they were allowed to have one.
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